DATELINE JUNE 1, 2018- It has now been five years since the jury in the Jodi Arias case handed down its verdict of guilty of first degree murder. In honor of this milestone, we're bringing you an update on where the major players in this riveting case are now.
JODI ARIAS (aka Jodi of Arc, the Butcher of Mesa, Three-Hole Wonder): After the first jury hung in the penalty phase of her trial, everyone's favorite Three Hole Wonder negotiated a plea deal in which she agreed to forego all appeals in exchange for a sentence of life in prison without parole. Shortly thereafter, she dumped number one supporter and once potential partner in exchange for her new bestest bud and jury foreman, William Zervakos. In a desperate attempt to regain the limelight she so desperately craved, Jodi sold pictures the foreman had sent her of himself in bondage gear to the National Enquirer. Ms. Arias is a card carrying member of the Religion of the Month Club. Upon converting to Buddhism in July 2014, she changed her name to Blaga Blag Con Ti, which roughly translated means "Booty Call".
KIRK NURMI: After his most famous client was sentenced to death, legal work was hard to come by for Jodi's lead counsel. Faced with a dismal future in Law, His Lustiness turned to his first love and emigrated to Japan to produce porno films, including The Three Hole Wonder Does Osuka and Sluts, Whores and Skanks, Oh my!. Tragically, Kirk Nurmi met his end when he choked on a piece of sushi at the annual Japan Porn Awards banquet. How'd that make you feel?
JENNIFER WILMOTT: Surprisingly, Ms. Wilmott was largely able to escape the fate of her fellow counsel. She continues to practice law and has won several awards from the Arizona Bar Association including "Most Likely to Throw a Hissy Fit in Court", "Best Pissed Off Strut to the Sidebar", and "Voice Most Likely to Drive Lemmings Off Cliffs". In addition, the teenaged lawyer Americans most love to hate has authored a book entitled "How To Act Like Spoiled Brat and Still Practice Law!". Wilmott has also been dabbling with Ouija boards, in an effort to ensure she is never again upstaged by a young psychologist. She hopes to someday say that, yes indeed, you can ask a dead person their side of the story.
JUAN MARTINEZ: In 2016, Juan was elected Attorney General of the State of Arizona. Rumors are swirling that he is considering a run at the presidency in 2020. A full length feature movie detailing his life and career as a prosecutor is in the works.
DET. ESTEBAN FLORES: One of the heroes of the Arias saga, Det. Flores continued on in his role with the Mesa Police Dept. for two years after the verdict. He was approached to star in another offshoot of the CSI franchise called CSI: Phoenix where he remains to this day. Det. Flores just recently appeared on Dancing With The Stars and has twice served as guest host on The Tonight Show.
JUDGE SHERRY STEPHENS: Continues to serve on the bench in Maricopa County. Voted "Most Lax Judge in America" by her peers three years running. After the Arias trial, she was overwhelmed by gifts from the public, including a vast collection of numerous clocks and dictionaries with the word "promptly" highlighted. With her newfound treasure trove of timepieces, the country's least punctual magistrate plans to open a boutique upon retiring from the bench.
ALYCE LAVIOLLETTE: Her testimony in the Arias trial left her totally discredited and without any semblance of a career in psychology. She went to work for Walmart as a greeter and later secured work for her fellow hack from the trial. Ms. Laviollette is said to live in a van down by the river. She has attempted reentry into her chosen field with a street side booth with a sign that reads "Psychological Help 5 cents. The man hater is in". She is often seen in downtown Long Beach panhandling and overheard saying "My testimony for a sandwich".
RICHARD "DICKIE" SAMUELS: Just two months after his testimony in the Arias trial, Dickie filed for Social Security Disability benefits, citing PTSD incurred during his cross examination by Prosecutor Martinez. His claim was ultimately denied, as the SSA found he suffered not from PTSD but rather from ASS (Abundant Stupidity Syndrome) . Unable to procure clients in his chosen field, Dickie resorted to going to work as a Walmart greeter, where he has been reprimanded numerous times for yelling "Clinical judgment sir!" at unsuspecting patrons.
DONOVAN BERING: Shortly after the trial, Donovan was crushed when her favorite murderer and potential partner dumped her for the jury's foreman. His/ Her spirits rose quickly however, after Hollywood producers offered her the opportunity to star in a remake of the film "It's Pat!". The original story, based on a Saturday Night Live skit, detailed the life and times of an individual whose sexuality is a mystery. The new film, entitled "That's Donovan!" debuted in September 2014 and earned a worldwide gross of just ten dollars (Donovan is believed to be the only one who paid to see it). He/She has since gone on to be a linebacker for the Chicago Bears.
Continue to check back frequently for new posts. I'm currently working on a parody of Jean Casarez and a song called "The Busta Rant" to the tune of "The Humpty Dance". Take care. Ta ta for now!
